Independence&self-pshyhologie

Since my very childhood I always wished to be independent; to do things on my own; for no one to try to steal my ‘show’ or,actually, do the work for me and maybe get the reward or etc.Though I might appear careless at times, I, as a matter of fact,  always try to prove something to someone. And myself. That is all nice or maybe not so much…

I have not been liquid for a couple of years. Well. Since 2007(that’s quite some…). I have been ashamed for my not having enough money; and yes, I was, I suppose not wishing for anyone to see it. Making myself strong and man-like; working 24/7- trying to find a way to make a living; wearing the same old stuff; not giving myself anything good / not appreciating myself.

And trying to be live any other average girl. But. Why should I? I am who I am. I am not what everyone supposes I should be

There are some things which are not worth being proved. Nobody really cares and besides they will either have prejudgment/and make up stories which are surreal. And – I should focus on what really makes me happy and satisfied and brings me peace and freedom.

Anyways. Why did I started this post? Ah, yes:. I want to look back in a year and two. Look at myself in the mirror and look arround. And see what I have accomplished. And see more than I see at the present moment – because I wish for a nice home with a garden, where I can gather my friends and family; where my children will run arround and grow and where I can get older. And I want to be financially stable.I did not realize it till recently, or maybe tried to avoid thinking about myself as a materialistic bitch. But I miss having money. Being able to buy stuff I really want. Dress fashionably; travel for a long time. See the world. And have actual time to relax. And not just work the ass out of myself.

I am tired. Tired of trying to be a man. Trying to solve everything and do not expect anything good from people. I want to enjoy life and live fully. Get married. Get children and not think about where I might get the bread and a roof over my head. And to fix socks because we have no money to buy new ones. I have now been independent since 2007. Making my own money, building my own way, getting experience: first successes and many many many fails ect. But I know that this is not the ultimative me. Not the utmost I can do…. Babysteps. But I am taking them. Because I believe that  there is a lot of good things ahead.

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